East Jesus Nowhere
by Ace Aero
Summary: Why did this whole mess start? Was it because I was fed up? ...Or was it because I was bored?


**Warnings: **Breaking of OTPs/Character, serious!crack

**Music:** East Jesus Nowhere by Green Day from 21st Century Breakdown

**East Jesus Nowhere**

I'm sick and tired of it all.

"_Oh Little Italy~ Why don't you come over here and give Big Brother France some land, eh?"_

I'm tired of being bullied – of being pushed around by everyone else.

"_I surrender! Please, don't shoot me!"_

I'm tired of running away.

"_ITALY! WHERE THE _HELL _DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING!"_

Why don't I start a fucking war?

* * *

><p>It all started with one world meeting~ I remember it clear as day. It was the day Big Brother Spain snapped, you see.<p>

He couldn't handle all the shock or confusion that reeked from the current situation. He thought Romano and I were up to something, but he was sorely mistaken. No ever found out about it~

It's simple, really. All you have to do is kidnap a nation and keep him or her in custody for a while until something happens, whether it was an accident or on purpose.

And in less than a week, World War 3 had begun.

* * *

><p>"Ah~ I love the smell of Europe in the morning!"<p>

"Will you shut up and focus for once, git? It's not helping the current predicament we're in."

I am currently stuck in a stupid fucking burrow who-knows-how-many miles away from the Belgian border with Germany. Gunfire and cannons are everywhere around us, the blasts shaking the ground we've dug into. And that stupid, idiotic American chose now of all times to show up.

"Why did we start this war anyway?" The git asked.

"Who knows? I'm just playing along. From what I've heard, this whole fucking _lovely_ mess was caused by Spain."

"Spain!"

"Yes. It got worse when some few other countries decided to side with him. I personally think that you'd have to be insane to do that."

I thought I caught a glimpse of a faint smirk on the American's lips, but my attention was drawn elsewhere.

"You're calling me nuts, eh? Fine with me."

My eyes widened in shock. "N-Not you… Please… Let it be anyone _but_ you…"

I felt the cold metal press against the back of my head, sending chills down my spine. He put a pill into my hand and I knew what it was.

"Swallow or shoot, your choice."

* * *

><p>"Come on Roma~ Why don't you join? I know you want to~"<p>

He merely glared at me.

"Aw, don't give your little brother that look."

"'_Little brother'_ my ass. Go die in hell whatever the fuck you are."

"Romano~ Stop being mean to me, will you? It's not nice~"

"Shut _up_."

I turned my back and gave him a wave of the hand. "No food for a week then~"

* * *

><p>I tugged at the bright blue of my uniform.<p>

"Don't you think it's _too _bright, France? I think red would be better."

He gave a glance up from under a supply closet.

"Like the red of your old Conquistador uniform? That dark?"

"_Si_. Ah… _Lo siento_. Sorry if all this is too much trouble!" I said apologetically.

"No worries. The uniform you were wearing before got cut up pretty bad the last time you were out, _oui_?" He said while taking the jacket off my arms. "It's only fair you get a new one."

"Hey, France? Can I ask a favor from you since, well, since you're neutral in this mess I made?"

"So you finally acknowledge that this whole thing is one big fat stupid mess caused by all of us overreacting?"

I smiled. "When is it not?"

He laughed. "True! Ahem… Your request?"

"Oh yeah! Can you look for my little tomato for me? Roma's been gone for so long…" He came and patted me on the back.

"Sure thing, Antonio."

* * *

><p>"Goddammit…" I cursed as another shell exploded beside me. Who was I up against again? Ah… That's right. I was up against Russia. Bad memories, bad time.<p>

The snow had about started to settle into my country – not that I minded – but it gave Russia General Winter, which does not help me at all.

Anther shell exploded beside me. I can't wait any longer.

I either shoot now, or die hiding.

* * *

><p>"Oh what a lovely mess you guys have made~!"<p>

The state of the world right now was something that was not to be desired. Countries were vanishing, and yet, amidst all this fighting, no one – not even the brightest of us – could figure out I was pulling the strings. Some say Spain, other pin the blame on one of his allies. I'll end this little game when I want to, that is, if I don't run out of players first.

_**I never asked you a goddamned thing!**_

**Disclaimer: **Again, I don't own the epic-awesome that is APH. Nor do I own the epic-awesome that is Green Day.

**A/N:** What the heck is this? It's serious!crack. Yep. It's crack, but serious and stuff. *shot* I broke anyone's OTP of USUK. :D On a side note, I had to change what I was listening to three times. First it was Hurricane by P!ATD, then it was Holiday by Green Day, then East Jesus Nowhere by Green Day. Does that explain why this is so scattered? You can blame Holiday for the "Why don't I start a fucking war?" bit. Any live, this is how Billie Joe starts Holiday. (Except for it's, "Do you wanna start a fucking war!") This will stay a one-shot unless something happens. Sorry if it sucks!


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